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Dear Aunt Nettie: What does the Five-0 stand for in the
name of the old TV program, Hawaii Five-0?
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Dear Retro: When using police radio frequencies, dispatchers and officers use code numbers as replacements for certain terms which, it is hoped, will confuse criminals who aren't bright enough to download a list from the Internet. Even laypersons use 10-4 to mean "heard and understood." Since Hawaii is in the middle of the Pacific, a different set of codes has evolved to meet the needs of these Polynesian island people. For example: 11-147 = Illegal possession of a squid 11-188 = Possession of a squid for immoral porpoises 14-02 = Surf's up! 18-11-04 = Hot donuts sign just lit up at the Krispy Kreme on Kamehameha Boulevard 15-30 = Naked wahines frolicking in the surf again 17-111 = Tourist just bought a fake Rolex 17-112 = Tourist just lost a bundle at three-card monte 17-138 = Tourist just discovered his authentic tribal war mask was made in Cleveland 17-181 = Tourist drank too many mai-tais, fell off jetty 17-918 = Tourist wearing unacceptably loud polyester attire 17-999 = Tourist assaulted by wife for sizing up surfer girl 11-03 = Illicit beachcombing 11-17 = Dead whale 11-38 = War canoe hit by luxury yacht; send lawyers The signature 5-0 used in the eponymous program was the code word for bad acting. 5-1 meant excessive use of scenery in place of plot. 5-2 meant sloppy continuity between scenes. 5-3 meant too much water skiing. 5-4 meant "Hey, there's that broad from Baywatch!" 5-5 meant attempt by Jack Lord to wear bathing suit in a crucial scene. 5-6 meant "Heads up! 'Miami Vice' is hiring!" 5-7 means shark attack. 5-8 means "Disregard. Tourist confused porpoise with shark." 5-9 is volcano alert. 5-10 is tsunami alert. 5-11 is Japanese golfer alert.  |
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I got a school paper due and I got to
know what is it a Phoenix?
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Dear Rushed: It's a mythical city in Arizona. Every hundred years it catches fire from the intense rays of the desert sun, burns to the ground and has to be rebuilt with stronger fire codes. The next time they're making sprinklers mandatory. A fat lot of good that will do, as there are traditions to be maintained, and at the commencement of the next blaze it will be discovered that the sprinklers are inoperative, just as the hydrants are always dry and the fire department has always been called away on a mysterious errand the day before. Some say that there's an almost supernatural quality to the conflagrations and the events that precede them. In the weeks before Phoenix burns the elderly and retired seem to be drawn to the city in a curious migration, the roads almost blocked to other traffic by herds of Winnebagos and huge ancient Buicks driven by shriveled people with bad vision. They seem to be drawn to the anticipated fire, immolating themselves with the same morbid drive that sends a moth into a flame. In the aftermath all that can be seen are the burned-out husks of giant recreational vehicles, while the ground is littered with twisted walkers, carbonized stainless steel hip joints, exploded pacemakers and the unmeltable portions of dental plates. In the distance, beyond the cooling ruins, can be heard the wails of insurance men writing checks to estates. As the weeks pass, area hospitals report a sharp rise in the number of newborns showing evidence of reincarnation. Other attractions in the area include Casa Grande Ruins National Monument. In late September the Gila Monster Roundup draws crowds from as far away as Albuquerque and Telluride. Warm clothing is suggested, for although the days are torrid, the winds off the desert at night are colder than a brass brassiere.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I know there's such a thing as the
Northern Lights. Is there such a thing as the Southern Lights? |
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Dear Luminous: Yes, indeed. They were the earliest of the low-nicotine, low-tar brands to be sold in the USA, from 1893 to around 1901. Briefly popular in Alabama until they were nicknamed "girlie smokes" by real hog-farming moonshine-drinking Alabama men, a stigma that no amount of advertising could overcome.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Who were the Goths?
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Dear Gauloise: The Goss were feared warriors of the Frankish-Gaulish-Cimmerian persuasion, who were inured to pain to the point where their warriors tore their own tongues out so that they could never surrender. Their eerie war cry, "W th' Goth n' w gon' kick ath!" would send chills down the spine of even the most battle-seasoned Roman legionnaire. |
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I was reading a book about the 1930s
and they keep using the initials W.W.W. That was too early for the World
Wide Web, wasn't it? So what does it stand for? |
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Dear Wondering: I have no idea what the connection to the 1930s is, but to me WWW always means Watermelon Workers of the World. As a matter of coincidence, this is the anniversary of the discovery of the watermelon by a lost Hottentot shepherd in 2441 BCE. The word 'watermelon" comes from the Hottentot word meaning "river-craft," since these huge members of the acorn family were easily hollowed out for use as a sort of blunt kayak by the diminutive Hottentots. They were introduced into Egypt in 1983 BCE when a couple of Hottentot teenagers dared their cousin to go over Victoria falls in a watermelon. He eventually washed up in Heliopolis, planted a batch of the watermelon's seeds, sold the fruit to the Pharaoh's kitchen and ended up a wealthy man. By comparison, the cousins remained poor, ignorant n'eer-do-wells, married badly and died in obscurity.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Was there ever a real Dr. Pepper?
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Dear Quenched: Yes, although "Dr. Pepper" was just a nom de plume. His real name was Vijay Chandrababu Subrahmanyam, MD PhD FRMS CCNY BBD&O. His theory was that pepper was the most neglected supercure ever, and he suggested that inhaling adequate amounts of black pepper would cure almost any disease by bringing on extended bouts of sneezing to expel evil germs. In his landmark book: "ACHOO! Sneezing Your Way to Perfect Health and Immortality," (Bombay & London, 1957) he points out that most modern medicines are worthless because they do not cause sufficient sneezing to remove harmful by-products from the body. At best, they're simply relocated, which is why a sore throat will reappear as a torn rotator cuff or as cellulite. Here's a sample from his book, reprinted with permission: DR. PEPPER'S AMAZING SECRETS FOR HEALTH AND WELLNESS Cure # 1: Pepper prevents and cures heartburn. Heartburn is a signal of pepper shortage in the upper part of the gastrointestinal tract. It is a major sneeze-needing signal of the human body. The use of antacids or tablet medications in the treatment of heartburn does not correct insufficient pepperization, and the body continues to suffer as a result of its pepper shortage. Cure # 2: Pepper prevents and cures arthritis. Rheumatoid joint pain - arthritis - is a signal of pepper shortage in the painful joint. It can affect the young as well as the old. The use of pain-killers does not cure the problem, but exposes the person to further damage from medications. Inhaling pepper mixed with small amounts of salt will cure this problem. Cure # 3: Pepper prevents and cures back pain. Low back pain and ankylosing arthritis of the spine are signs of pepper shortage in the spinal column and discs. These conditions should be treated with increased pepper intake, not a commercial nostrum. Cure # 4: Pepper prevents and cures angina. Heart pain - angina - is a sign of pepper shortage in the heart/lung axis. It should be treated with increased pepper intake until the patient is free of pain and independent of medications. Cure # 5: Pepper prevents and cures migraines. Migraine headache is a sign of pepper deprivation in the brain and the eyes. It will totally clear up if the sinuses are packed with freshly-ground pepper. Cure #6: Pepper prevents and cures colitis. Colitis pain is a signal of pepper shortage in the large gut. It can be cured by swallowing a cup or two of pepper, accompanied by liberal inhalations of same. Cure # 7: Pepper and salt prevent and cure asthma. Asthma, which also affects 14 million children and kills several thousand of them every year, is a complication of pepper insufficiency in the body. Sufficient pepper in the lungs will eliminate the disease completely. Cure # 8: Pepper prevents and cures high blood pressure. Hypertension is a state of adaptation of the body to a generalized pepper-drought, when there is not enough pepper to fill all the blood vessels that diffuse pepper into vital cells. In our clinic we treat high blood pressure by injecting pepper directly into the veins and arteries, as well as assuring that the nasal passages are packed with heath-giving pepper. Cure # 9: Pepper lowers blood cholesterol. High cholesterol levels are an indicator of pepper need by the body. Cholesterol is a clay-like material that is poured in the gaps of some cell membranes to safeguard them against losing their vital pepper content to the osmotically more powerful blood circulating in their vicinity. Cure # 10: Pepper cures depression, loss of libido, chronic fatigue syndrome, lupus, multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, cancer, loss of hair, loss of limbs and death. These conditions are caused by prolonged chronic depepperization. They will clear up once the body becomes well and regularly pepperated. You cannot have too much pepper.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: How did the Venus Flytrap get its
name? |
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Dear Trapper: Because the name "Venus Claptrap" had already been taken. You see, the tiny Venus Flytraps you see in vegetation stores and on the Discovery Channel are mere shadows of their much larger, faster and more aggressive cousins. The first settlers in Georgia dismissed Indian accounts of what was called by the natives Heap-Herking-Huge-Vegetable-Land-Sharks until they began counting noses (a popular pastime in the era before professional sports) and discovered that their numbers were steadily decreasing. Each time five hunters went into a particular part of the swamp seeking provender (a popular occupation in the era before supermarkets), only three would return, and those three had haunted, staring eyes and a strong desire to subsist on roots and berries rather than return to the swamp for provender. ("Return Provender," was at the top of the charts for months, and would soon make the name Elvin Parsley a household word.) The remaining hunters and gatherers of provender realized that, even in the days before the New Math, there was a point at which the reduction in their numbers would approach or reach zero, leaving their horses, livestock and women at the mercy of swamp things. So they borrowed a few suits of armor from a nearby Spanish settlement and, guided by the moon and the light of a particularly bright Venus,¹ they ventured haltingly into the mangrove or "man-grave" swamp, where they beheld hundreds of gigantic, agitated, flesh-eating plants, all straining at their roots in an attempt to reach and devour the stunned adventurers, all the while snapping the two halves of their spikéd clamshell claws together with such fury that the welkin rang as to the sound of scores of castanets.² "CLAPTRAPS! RUN AWAY!" shouted Venus, who, as a woman, was promptly ignored, leading to the sudden and distinctly unpleasant demise of our brave lads. It took Venus a week to hammer the dents and tooth marks out of the armor before the Spanish would take them back, and she never did find the helmets.³ Eventually assault teams of real estate developers were sent against the carnivorous claptraps, whose habitat was gradually converted into retirement housing and timeshare vacation homes, forcing the plants to become smaller and smaller, until they arrived at the state you see them in today, barely able to harm a fly. ---------- ¹ Venus O'Malley was one of the sharper knives in the pioneer drawer, although the glass ceiling which existed in those days prevented her from rising above the level of scullion. Her later invention of Windex® made her glass ceiling the envy of the other housewives in the neighborhood. ² In the second act of Bizet's "Carmen," the song "The Swamps are Alive With the Sound of Castanets," is based on this story. ³ When she brought the armor back to the Spanish settlement they asked her, "But where are the morions?" "They were eaten by the claptraps," she replied contemptuously, thereby effecting the first multilingual pun heard in the New World.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Which American president had the
biggest dog?
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Dear Poochy: William Howard "Big Dog" Taft. As the most massive president to date, Taft was sensitive about his size and always traveled in the company of "Cubby," a 750-lb French poodle, on the logic that by comparison with Cubby, Taft looked absolutely svelte. It was only after Taft's death from Massive Digestive Insult that Cubby was discovered to be an artfully-shaven grizzly bear, who was returned to the wild along with Mrs. Taft.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Why is a rabbit called a "bunny?"
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Dear Hareton: An excellent question. You see, during the Middle Ages in Scotland, it was believed that rabbits sprang from undercooked hot-cross buns in the same way that geese sprang from barnacles. There's a touching account of this quaint belief recounted in "But An Hast Nae Monie," a collection of Scots begging letters and excuses for not paying the rent: An lass lay ibowndyn, bowndyn in a bunne, Fowre minits cooked she an' thowt she to long; And al was for a bunne, a bunne that she cookt, By a recipee in tha Joie af Cookng book. Ne hadde the bunne cookt ben, outen oven taken ben, Ne hadde never our lass cook't threw. Pepped tha hed of a bonny rabbit shew, An hoppt away, an her meal wast screwd. ------------- Ref: "Autogeneration in the Beliefs of the Picts, Scots and Cumbrians" Olaus Wyrmius (London & Bombay,1921)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: How did the Easter Bunny get his
start?
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Dear Benny: The same way all rabbits do. When startled, chemicals called neurotransmitters are released from the pituitary gland at the base of the brain. These neurotransmitters affect many tissues in the rabbit's body, but most notably the adrenal glands that release epinephrine (adrenaline) and, with protracted periods of stress, glucocorticosteroids. Epinephrine causes the rabbit's heart rate and blood pressure to increase. Blood flow is directed to vital muscles and organs and away from those that are nonessential in this dangerous situation. The rabbit's respiratory rate increases, his eyes dilate, and his blood sugar (the fuel for the bodies tissues) soars. The effects of these hormones for the short term are a heightened level of awareness (OHS:Orange) and in a physical state where he can leap and run faster to get away from that danger. --------- Source: "Fun with Your New Bunny" (former title, "The Illustrated Lagomorph Dissection Guide") London & Bombay, 1949
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Dear Aunt Nettie: My ten-year-old son refuses to keep
the four legs of his chair on the floor. I have to admit that I share the
same desire to remain somewhat off balance - and presume that this
seemingly universal trait formed the basis for development of the rocking
chair. Can you shed any light on its history?
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Dear Unbalanced: The syndrome you mention *did* lead to the invention of the one-legged milking stool and the British shooting stick, but the history of the rocking chair is much more complex. You see, when the Roman Empire was expanding it was necessary to find some way of provisioning the troops quickly. The staple meal of the Roman soldier was bread, salami, French fries (called Gaulish fries back then, later Freedom fries) beer and pretzels. The latter two posed no problem: the beer could be hauled by tanker and the prepackaged pretzels were readily distributed during battles by fight attendants. The bread, salami and fries proved a nearly intractable problem, however, since they all required slicing at one stage or another in the preparation process. The first workaround was, of course, the elimination of slicing for the salami and bread portions. One Oskar Mayer, an itinerant Alemanni frycook, was the first to propose lightly slicing the bread, then slapping the salami inside it. This was convenient, but the Roman troops rejected it, claiming that such a dainty meal made them feel like weenies, and the yellow mustard was indicative of cowardice. Plus there was still the problem of quickly preparing the Gaulish fries. The problem was elegantly solved by Sal Hepaticum, a captured Hebrew national, who pointed out that by attaching curved chariot blades, ("Chaldean Choppers") to a seat occupied by a slave, then motivating the slave, whipwise, to rock quickly back and forth, one could slice vast quantities of bread and sausage and potatoes, thus ending the bottleneck. As a matter of fact the meals were prepared so quickly that some Roman conscripts fighting in the Libyan desert suspected demonic influence, and spoke darkly of "sand witches." Sal Hepaticum was richly rewarded by a grateful Rome, receiving his freedom, status as a citizen, 50,000 sesterces and the exclusive empire-wide rights to set up his Subvia® franchise. His descendants flourished until the fall of Rome, then packed up to move the business to the Eastern Empire in Byzantium. Here they flourished even more mightily, until the Ottoman Safety & Health Administration banned the use of sharp blades on furniture as part of its new "Safe-Slave"© workplace program. The Hepaticas were ruined, and their desperate attempt to replace the blades with wooden runners and sell the chairs as therapeutic furniture failed utterly, although their soft, edgeless "Ottomans" were briefly popular with government agencies. It wasn't until the 19th century that archeologists discovered the plans for "rocking" chairs in the ruins of Troy and revived the furniture style, much to the horror of long-tailed cats everywhere. ----- REF: "Rock of Ages: A History of Basculant Seatery from the Roman Era to the Present" by F. X. Cathedra. Totter Press (Windsor & Musnud, 1999)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I have a bet going. Has anybody ever
traveled around the world on a unicycle? If so, who was it?
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Dear Guinness: The near-legendary Waldo Palumpkis of New Shrewsbury, Connecticut, during the years 1904-1911. He did it as part of a promotional tour for one of his inventions, the steam-powered unicycle wheelchair, which he felt would revolutionize the way disabled people got around. The chair was equipped with a gyroscopic stabilizer which also served as a navigation device, and the firebox accepted anything from leaves and sticks to gasoline and propane. Palumpkis's first hurdle was the Atlantic Ocean, which he reached several minutes after setting out on his historic journey-- New Shrewsbury being a coastal town and all. He had prepared for this, however, and rapidly attached the optional pontoons and slipped the flipper-feet onto the wheel. A few months later he was in Iceland, a bit off course and horribly seasick, but victorious. Once recovered he took a short trip across the island from Hafnarfjörður to Hvannadalshnúkur, then by sea again to the Faeroe and Shetland Islands, finally touching down at John o'Groats in northernmost Scotland, where he was greeted by the locals as "a daft American." And so it went, across the English Channel to France, where he was greeted as <<l'Americain imbécile>> in the press. Thence to Germany, ("dieser verrückte Amerikaner"), Poland ("zwariowany Amerykanin"), Beyelorussia ("zvarjaciely amerykanski"), then across the interminable vastness of Russia, which alone took him 4 years to cross, as his one-wheeled vehicle kept being mistaken for a Polish tank and he was frequently arrested by the military. He finally reached Vladivostok, where he was advised that the next leg of the journey (Vladivostok-Honolulu) would be 4,259 miles if the winds were favorable and he caught all the green lights. Dismayed at another long stretch of seasickness and a steady diet of seafood, he changed his itinerary, taking the northern route to Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskiy, where it was just a short hop across the frozen Bering Sea to North America. Thoughtfully, he had remembered to pack chains and sand. Once he hit Anchorage he was more or less on home territory and in another 2½ short years he rolled into New Shrewsbury in triumph, greeted by several relatives and his sponsor, the Goodyear tire rep, who later phoned the home office to say that the unicycle wheelchair was a bust as a promotional device and to definitely go with the blimp. Seven years in a wheelchair had caused Palumpkis's legs to atrophy, and the frostbite he encountered crossing the Rockies had finished the job, so he spent the rest of his life in his invention, busily puttering around New Shrewsbury trying to promote his book, "On a Wheel and a Prayer," an account of his adventures. He felt terribly betrayed that his neighbor, Harley Davidson, had copied his idea, added another wheel, and made millions selling his "motor-cycle," during Palumpkis's absence. But then, life isn't fair, is it? |
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I am entirely Harry Potter obsessed.
I have to know one thing: In your opinion, when are Ron and
Hermione going to announce their love for each other?
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Dear Romantic: I'm afraid that it will never happen. Given the history of British boarding schools, it's more likely that Ron will be announcing his love for Harry.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Why do onions make people cry?
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Dear Teary: Everyone has his or her own reasons, of course. Here's how the great Russian writer Pavel Boriskovski put it: "One of the sights I carry with me from my childhood is watching the onion domes of the Kremlin glittering golden in the early morning sunlight against the background of flames and smoke, as my babushka bundled me into the troika while deydushka struggled to harness the horses, who were understandably panicked, even gentle Katya, my favorite. I remember grandmother telling me that the horror of having to set Moscow afire was better than letting our jewel fall into the hands of Napoleon's troops, was it not? "Our dacha by the lake was secure, although it had been shut up after the first snow, and we had to rouse old Grigory and sent him into the village to recall the servants. I remember it as a merry time, with wood blazing in the stoves and the wind whipping snow through the barren orchards. Still, grandfather would climb to the loft and watch the smoke from the distant city, and swear peasant oaths against the French monster. Life was never the same after we returned. There were ashes everywhere, mingled with the snow. "This is why I can never bring myself to cut open an onion, for the memories of those onion domes in the sunshine would spill out and the salt tears would run down my face, spoiling the borscht...." ~ "Miserable Afternoons in St. Petersburg" (Moscow & Bombay, 1855)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What happens to all the rubber that
wears off tires? Where does it go to?
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Dear Flexible: An interesting tale, that. When rubber tires on vehicles were originally proposed, there was at first little concern about the loss of rubber. Roads were mostly dirt or gravel, and it was hoped that the tire dust would be unnoticed, blending as it did with the dust and gravel. Besides, early automobile tires were skinny and weak and only lasted a few hundred miles, eventually bursting so badly that it was impossible to repair them. Many people rode around on the rims, which lasted considerably longer, The metal that wore off the rims quickly rusted away to invisibility. With the advent of big pneumatic tires and concrete or macadam roads, cities began to prepare for the inevitable piles of rubber dust which they expected to build up, especially in tunnels and other constricted spaces. What a surprise when their fears never materialized! Amazement was quickly replaced by curiosity, though, as scientists discovered through controlled tests that, although tires obviously wore away, there was nothing worn off them! Hundreds of theories were tested in laboratories before scientists confessed themselves defeated and accepted De-Creationism as the only explanation. It wasn't until quantum theory was applied that the answer became clear. You see, the flexing of the tire as it rolls along a solid road creates a minute electrical charge at the point of contact, and again when the tread loses contact with the road surface. This tiny charge is sufficient to cause the carbon-60 which is in all tires (it's partly what makes them black) to undergo quantum inversion, transporting minute quantities of tire dust into a parallel universe, where it soon became an absolute plague. The poor folks of Earth19³ª, an Edenlike place where strife was unknown and people lived in utter bliss, became puzzled about a hundred years ago when black dust began appearing in straight lines and curves across the immaculate lawns which carpeted the parks of their world. At first it was ignored. Then children began returning to their family groups after a day of play streaked with the stuff, which proved to be very difficult to remove (cleanliness, like godliness, is a natural occurrence on Earth19³ª). The constant breathing in of the dust lead to the first illnesses, and later deaths, which appalled the people. The Black Death, as it came to be called, was intractable, and the people began to migrate to areas which had not been affected. Soon, however, the dust killed off all vegetation, then the placid, sad-eyed animals, and finally the people themselves. The last human~ª perished miserably on April 23, 1977 by our calendar. The planet has recently been considered as a prime carbon-60 source by the n'Gr³³/³ of Mars19³ª.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Whatever happened to that great
actress Vera Hruba Ralston? I had a real crush on her at one time and
always wondered why she never hit the big time.
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Dear Memorable: I remember her well, but probably for different reasons: Here's her
sad story: |
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What is a UPC bar code?
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Dear Scanned: Uninhibited Patron Control systems have been installed in many bars around the country to lower the volume of celebrations and reduce inter-patron violence, as per the American Bar Association's Code. It's a simple device which matches patron movements against a database of known raucousness-provoking models. (Named after Richard Raucous of MIT, the scale runs from R1: Tearoom on a Tuesday night, to R10: Alabama weekend cowboy biker bar on methamphetamine.) As soon as a patron's behavior crosses the R5 level, hidden outlets in the bar top and tables discharge an undetectable chemical at the offender. Normally harmless, when combined with alcohol it produced prodigious flatulence as a warning sign, then diarrhea of near-Biblical-deluge proportions. During testing, it caused the R-levels in the Dallas Confederate Topless Roadhouse one summer Saturday night to drop from R9 to R1 in less than ten minutes. The inventor has been approached by several government agencies with interest in crowd control. "Operation Whoopsie" is covertly funded and no details are available to the general public.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I need an explanation of how the
Pilgrims invented succotash. Please hurry.
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Dear Overdue: That's a long and very interesting story. You see, the first settlers in New Plymouth were Puritan clergypeople, and didn't know a maple spile from a cedar froe when they arrived and attempted to farm the land. The local Wampanoag Indians would drop by from time to time with helpful hints like, "No, you don't plant the corncobs," and "You're holding the wrong end of the hoe," but they soon realized that these poor white devils would never survive the winter without help. Knowing that the Puritans were a proud and stiff-necked people (probably due to the ruffs they insisted on wearing all the time, even while sleeping), the Wampanoags had to pull a fast one to get them to accept help. So one night in mid-October they snuck into the Puritans' fields and "planted" row after row of cornstalks from their own bounteous harvest the week before. Instead of installing the original ears of corn, however, they neatly filled each cornhusk with a mixture of dried corn, dried lima beans, sun-dried tomatoes, malt extract, tofu, chocolate, coffee, non-dairy creamer, sugar substitute and vitamins, which they figured would provide a balanced, heart-healthy diet. You can imagine the Puritan's surprise the next morning when they looked out at their formerly barren fields and saw all the cornstalks waving in the breeze. Some of them were so astonished that they rushed outside without putting on their ruffs, and were forced to return to England in disgrace. A bunch of Wampanoag arrived at the critical moment, pretending to be casually walking by on the way to the casino, and they helpfully explained to the astonished Puritans that this was a common occurrence in the New World: some plants waited all summer then shot up overnight. By this time one of the Puritans had peeled open a husk and was dumfounded to see the contents, already dried and neatly mixed so as to provide part of this complete breakfast. The Indians nonchalantly explained this as a perfectly natural occurrence as well, due to the fact that the Puritans' fields happened to be located precisely where a School of Agricultural Sorcery had been many moons before, and that obviously some residual magic remained in the earth. The awed wannabe farmers asked the name of the magic sustaining plant, and one of the braves, Winsome Pudding, blurted out "succotash," which is Wampanoag for "kangaroo." Another brave, Laughing Jackass, tried so hard to keep from laughing at this bon mot that he wet his breechclout and had to excuse himself. So every year the town of New Plymouth celebrates the Coming of the Succotash with a queen, and a parade and speeches and all that other boring stuff, while the remaining Wampanoag go to their casinos and practice their ancient tradition of scalping the white man....
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Dear Aunt Nettie: When did "Silicon Valley" get
started?
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Dear Sandy: When silicon was discovered in California at Sutter's Sandbox in April of 1869. The so-called "Sixty-Niners" flooded into the region to seek their fortune. Silicon fever spread throughout the nation and other parts of the world, with many emigrants traveling by ship around Cape Horn to stake claims. In some areas bauxite mines were emptied almost overnight as miners decamped to pursue the more valuable mineral. In the first year of the silicon rush, inadequate shelter, poor food, and lack of little plastic shovels and buckets caused the death of about 10,000 would-be millionaires. The majority of the Sixty-Niners gained little from their discoveries. Their claims passed into other hands, and they wound up working in the burgeoning gay porn industry. The era was commemorated in the silent era gay porn masterpiece, "The Silicon Rush," starring Charlie "The Caning Master" Chaplin and Casper Oxhung.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What famous scientist was offered the
chance to become president of Israel?
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Dear Tilly: Quite a few. They offered it to Isaac Newton, but he was dead, so they had to ask somebody else. They offered it to Erwin Schrödinger, but he refused to come of of the box. They offered it to Albert Einstein, but he responded, "Albert does not play dice with politicians." They offered it to Edward Teller, but he just got a strange gleam in his eye and started drawing blast damage circles around Jerusalem. They wanted to offer it to Alan Turing, but they were never sure if the voice at the other end of the telephone line was him or his answering machine. Enrico Fermi tentatively accepted, until he discovered how much it cost to have a pizza delivered from Naples to Tel Aviv. Most recently they offered it to Stanley Pons and Martin Fleischmann, who said they had a terrific plan for achieving Israeli-Palestinian fusion at virtually no cost. They're still waiting for a response....
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Dear Aunt Nettie: How are US Navy ships named?
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Dear Nautical: Well, they *used* to be given fierce or inspiring names, like "Dreadnought," "Victory," or "Big Floatin' Cluster o' Guns," but this has changed in recent years. Now the ship is named after the politician who brought the most amount of pork into the state where it was built. Every overpriced toilet seat, mess table, Acme-thread screw, etc., is a bonus point in the naming contest. Extra points are given if the ship serves no purpose, like the "USS Unnecessary" being built for Trent Lott in his home state, which the Navy has said it has no use for. Eventually all ships in the Navy will be named after Ronald Reagan, because that's what Republicans like to do.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: I have a stumper for you. How is beer
related to the term "honeymoon"?
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Dear Bud: It's when you wake up in a cheap hotel room in Tijuana after having downed 20-some-odd bottles of Dos Equis the night before, and snoring next to you is the ugliest woman you have ever laid eyes on. Head pounding, you slip quietly into your clothes and, tiptoeing across the room you head for the door. Then, feeling a bit guilty, you take out your wallet and put a twenty-dollar bill on the night table. When you reach the door you see another, even uglier woman, sitting there with her hand out. "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" she says. That's how.
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Can scientists see pain on brain
scans?
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Dear Hungover: They can indeed. More than 50 different ways, according to the anthem of the American Radiological Institute: "The problem is all inside your head", she said to me The answer is easy if you take it logically I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free There must be fifty ways to view your dolor She said it's really not my habit to intrude Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways to view your dolor Fifty ways to view your dolor... Just rack the MRI track, Jack PET-scan a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free S.Q.U.I.D. fuss, Gus You don't need to discuss much Radioisotopes are the key, Lee To get yourself free She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again I said I appreciate that and would you please explain To my HMO about the fifty ways She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light And then she billed me and I realized she probably was right There must be fifty ways to view your dolor Fifty ways to view your dolor....
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Do all turkeys gobble?
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Dear Cluck: Not all of them. Some have such exquisite table manners that they willingly forego a meal if the silverware is placed in the wrong order, or if the water glass is a trifle to too far to the right or left. The Sumatran Jive Turkey is so meticulous in its eating habits that it has been known to die of apoplexy if the fish course is served tail-first, or the soup is not precisely 177°F. (80.5°C.) The Jive Turkey has been placed on the endangered species list ever since Spode chinaware became unavailable in Sumatra due to trade restrictions.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: When I was younger products came with
instruction manuals. My new car came with a 200-page booklet on warnings.
What's going on?
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Dear Alarmed: Instruction booklets have been getting weirder and weirder in recent years as personal injury lawyers get crookeder, juries get dumber, and awards get bigger. This has led to a sea change in instruction manuals, which now have only one message to convey: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE THIS PRODUCT! Here's a sample from a recently-purchased electric blanket-- I'm sorry, there's no such thing anymore, since all association with electricity must be denied. It's a "warming product," and if you didn't know beforehand what it was used for, you'd never guess from the instruction booklet-- all 56 pages of it, in 3 languages. As late as 1960 the instruction manual for a "warming product," was contained on a 2" x 3" card. It said, in its entirety, "Plug into receptacle. Set thermostat to desired temperature. Enjoy!" Today's "warming product" instruction booklet begins with 16 pages of legal disclaimers, hold-harmless agreements and limited-liability clauses. Then comes a two-page environmental impact statement. Finally we get to the Warnings & Cautions section, which begins as follows: THIS SYMBOL [image of nuclear bomb explosion] MEANS YOU WILL BE KILLED INSTANTLY AND HORRIBLY IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS! THIS SYMBOL [image of skeleton being rent asunder by wild oxen] MEANS YOU WILL BE KILLED JUST AS SURELY, BUT IT WILL TAKE LONGER! THIS SYMBOL [human skull on barbecue grill] MEANS YOU MAY EVENTUALLY RECOVER, BUT YOU WILL BE SO SCARRED YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC WITHOUT WOMEN FAINTING, DOGS HOWLING AND SMALL BOYS THROWING STONES WHILE THE TOWNSPEOPLE RALLY A TORCHLIGHT PARADE TO DRIVE YOU FROM THEIR MIDST. After that comes page after page of warnings: THIS WARMING PRODUCT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR USE AS A PARACHUTE! DO NOT EAT THE WARMING PRODUCT! IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY INGEST THE WARMING PRODUCT, CALL THE NEAREST POISON CONTROL CENTER. DO *NOT* CALL A LAWYER! WATER AND ELECTRICITY DO NOT MIX! DO NOT USE THE WARMING PRODUCT UNDERWATER! DO NOT USE THE WARMING PRODUCT IF YOU HAVE RUNNING WATER IN YOUR HOME! OR IF YOU HAVE A RUNNING NOSE! BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY! AND USE KLEENEX® FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, NOT THE WARMING PRODUCT! LOOK AT THE MESS YOU MADE! THIS IS A WARMING PRODUCT! IT IS NOT TO BE USED FOR HEATING! HEATING IS HOTTER AND CAN BE DANGEROUS! IN CASE OF HEAT, TURN THE PRODUCT OFF IMMEDIATELY. BETTER TO FREEZE QUIETLY THAN TO RISK THE DANGER OF BEING HEATED! THEY SAY IT'S JUST LIKE FALLING ASLEEP. DO *NOT* CALL A LAWYER! THE WARMING PRODUCT IS NOT BULLETPROOF! IN CASE OF SMALL ARMS FIRE DIRECTED AT YOUR PERSON, CALL THE POLICE! DO *NOT* CALL A LAWYER! THIS WARMING PRODUCT IS NOT APPROVED AS A WEAPON OF WAR UNDER THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION. HOWEVER, YOU MAY BE ATTACKED AND DESTROYED IF THE WHITE HOUSE CONSIDERS IT TO BE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION! TO DO OTHERWISE MEANS THE TERRORISTS WIN! DO NOT MICROWAVE THE WARMING PRODUCT! IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! DO NOT LIE FACE DOWN ON THE WARMING PRODUCT IF YOU HAVE SILICONE IMPLANTS! THE MIND BOGGLES AT THE POTENTIAL FOR CROSS-LINKED LAWSUITS! WARMING PRODUCT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR USE AS AUTOMOBILE SEAT COVERS! GO TO RAYCO INSTEAD, AS SEEN ON TV. MENTION THIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL AND SAVE 30% ON SECONDS AND REMAINDERS! IT IS FUTILE TO ATTEMPT TO HARD-BOIL EGGS ON THIS PRODUCT! WARMING PRODUCT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR USE AS A FLOTATION DEVICE! ANYONE ALLERGIC TO ANY FORM OF TEXTILES WHATSOEVER SHOULD NOT USE THIS WARMING PRODUCT! TWIN-SIZE WARMING PRODUCT NOT SUITABLE FOR BULLFIGHTING IN ANY COLOR BUT CERISE! Then, on the last page, the last sentence reads: "Plug into receptacle. Set thermostat to desired temperature. Enjoy! ... unless you're a lawyer."
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Dear Aunt Nettie: Can cactuses communicate? Exactly
how?
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Dear Botanist: Yes, the "arms" of certain species of cactus can move to communicate, semaphore-like, with other cacti in the vicinity.¹ The problem is that it takes a long time for this movement to take place, and there's not much to talk about. Here's a recorded conversation between 2 giant organ pipe cacti in Nevada: (April, 1977 to December, 1978): HOT DAY (January, 1979 to June, 1979): YEP (July, 1979 to August, 1980): DRY, TOO (September, 1980 to May, 1981): YEP (June, 1981 to September, 1982): STORM'S COMING (October, 1982 to July, 1986): MISSED IT. I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW FRED GOT HIMSELF DUG UP AND CARTED AWAY IN MARCH OF 1908. (August, 1986 to January, 1989): FRED WHO? (February, 1989 to November, 1992): MAYBE IT WASN'T FRED. (December, 1992 to March, 1994): I THINK YOU MEAN EZRA. (April, 1994 to December, 1997): STUMPY BARREL GUY, USED TO DATE THAT HOT CHOLLA FROM AMARILLO? (January 1997 to January, 1998): THAT'S HIM. (February, 1998 to August, 2002): NOPE. NOT HIM. IT WAS FRED. GOT HIMSELF HIT BY LIGHTNING TWICE IN 1901. FREAK STORM. USED TO CALL HIM "SMOKIN' FRED" AFTERWARDS. (August 2002 to December 2002): OH, *THAT* FRED. (December 2002 to June, 2003): YEP. --------------- ¹"Hands Across the Desert: Cactal Communication in Action" by Spike Thorngood. Desiccated Press (Mojave, Gobi & Sahara, 2004)
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Dear Aunt Nettie: What is nanotechnology?
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Dear Tiny: It's the rallying cry of Luddites, Levellers, Diggers, Fundamentalists and all other groups who wish to stop scientific and technological progress. It is believed to have originated with Ned Ludd, the 18th-century protester against mechanized looms. "Nah, no technology!" was his slogan. His followers picked it up, and soon the welkin rang with their cries. Then the noon whistle blew, indicating lunch break was over and his followers had to get back to their jobs operating power looms. Neo-Luddites want to restore society to a mythical past where people live in caves, eat roots and berries and die young and horribly without benefit of medicines. They call it Utopia.
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Dear Aunt Nettie: How does a thermometer tell you the
temperature?
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Dear Tepid: It depends on where it was manufactured and by whom, and how it's used. For example, German thermometers will tell you the temperature in Centigrade, Fahrenheit and Kelvin to an accuracy of 16 decimal points. French thermometers intentionally tell you you're running a fever so you can avoid going into combat. Eskimo thermometers have only two settings: 98.6° and DEAD. Lawyers' thermometers are so vaguely worded that it's impossible to tell what your actual temperature is without a second attorney present. Spam thermometers not only tell you your temperature, but also assure you how much hotter you would be with Canadian Viagra. Republican thermometers benefit only the wealthy who can afford private health care, whereas it takes as many as 10 Democratic thermometers to tell you the temperature, and they all disagree. Saharan thermometers always have blown-out upper ends. North Korean thermometers assure you that the Dear Leader's temperature is normal, or better than normal. Russian thermometers are calibrated to tell you how much more vodka you need to keep from freezing. Polish thermometers have two metal ends. Palestinian rectal thermometers have small wires leading from them so you can connect a detonator. Tom Ridge's thermometer is divided into green, yellow, orange and red sections, which he calibrates manually after watching the morning news. George Bush's temperature is classified information. Bill Gates's thermometer is waiting for a patch before it's fully operational, and suggests that you'd be better off upgrading to Thermometer 6.0. Warren Buffet's thermometer buys low and sells high. NASA's thermometers count backwards down to zero. My personal thermometers have always read 96.8°F., which I blame on a manufacturing defect.
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