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3-3-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Does "string theory" have anything
to do with cats? |
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Dear Puss: I wish it did. It would certainly be easier to understand than real string theory. For those readers unfamiliar with the concept, here's a brief breakdown on the theory. Alphie Stringfellow, who developed the concept shortly before or after going insane, figured that the entire universe is held together with teensy-tiny bits of string (a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter is the actual length, but we'll stick with teensy-tiny for clarity's sake). These strings have only one dimension (vertical), which makes them very easy to misplace. Stringfellow kept all his in a safety deposit box at his bank, along with his laundry. Now, for string theory to work, you need lots more than three dimensions. Stringfellow proposed between 10 and 26 dimensions, although his favorite was 11, which was the name of his dog. Some of these dimensions are rolled up inside other dimensions, which are then folded over neatly and tied with the teensy-tiny bits of string, a process which involves tying a billion jillion skillion (10³³²) little knots. Not many of these other dimensions are rolled and wrapped this way because of the high cost of union labor (Teensy Knotter's Local #14. Motto: "Knots to you, buster!"). Other, less important dimensions are hidden here and there where they can be easily gotten to in the event of an emergency. Now, I can hear you all saying to yourselves in your whiny little voices, "But... but... what about protons and electrons and lardons and all the other fundamental building blocks of matter we learned about in school at our teacher's knee and other locations?" Well, be calm, because it turns out that all those little Tinkertoy® bits and pieces are made out of string, so everything comes out just dandy. Particles in string theory arise as excitations of the string, and included in the excitations of a string is a particle with zero mass and two units of spin, much like the current resident of the White House. Now don't be shaking your little heads and thinking to yourselves, "All this fuss for one-dimensional invisible doohickeys?" There are higher dimensional objects in string theory, with dimensions from zero to nine, called pea-branes after their discoverer. In terms of branes, what we usually call a membrane would be a two-brane, a string would be a one-brane and what a point is called is a no-braner. As for what you can do with string theory, this stumped Stringfellow himself. He was more interested in exploring the mathematics involved, which requires cubic yards of squiggly symbols and Greek fraternity letters to explain. The only impractical application Stringfellow could figure out, and which he is still working on in his asylum cell, was that if you made an 11-dimensional cat's cradle out of the strings, and if you pulled string number thetaª¹ sharply, the entire universe would disa
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3-5-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What Middle Eastern capital was
once known as Philadelphia? |
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Dear Territorial: That was the Sultanate of Pennsylvania on the Gulf coast. Apparently the chief eunuch was swindled when he paid a surveying company to draw up maps of the country in 1869. The ruse wasn't discovered until someone tried to visit Wilkes-Barre and wound up in the middle of the Red Sea. The other giveaway was that no Middle Eastern nation would ever name a city "Scranton," which in Arabic means something really nasty associated with the Prophet's favorite camel.  |
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3-7-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: I took this color test and my results said, "You are BROWN, the color of stability. Practical and rational, you rely more on your head than your heart. Browns have probing minds and are very thorough in unraveling dilemmas. Always finding new ways to better yourself and mind, you are not one to get easily bored. Browns are able to remain objective and neutral by keeping an open mind." What color are you? |
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Dear Brownie: I hate these stupid tests, but I'm feeling generous today so here's my result: "Your color is ULTRAVIOLET,
beyond human perception. Ultraviolet symbolizes your germicidal
abilities and your talent for fading pictures and carpets. You are
strong-- too strong, as a matter of fact, unless tempered with an ozone
layer. You exude a quality which causes people to darken in your
presence, except for their hair, which gets lighter, paradoxically.
These qualities make you popular at spas and beaches unless you overdo
it, for people then begin to suffer and complain." |
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3-8-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Thank you for answering my sister's previous question about a web color test. I found another online color personality test here and was wondering if your personality is much different than mine. -- Bland in Bleak |
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Dear Bland: I said yesterday that I hate these stupid tests, but you asked for it: "You make sure that your
financial decisions are safe and secure by printing enough money to
cover every need. You are wary of taking risks, which is why you haven't
been caught yet. |
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3-9-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: While listening to some kids playing in the park I caught a refrain of: Nobody loves me. Do you know any other self-pity jingles? -- Pity Kitty in Koenigsmacker |
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Dear PK: Oh my... That
brings back memories. Here's the second verse: |
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3-15-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: How long has "John Doe" been
around? |
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Dear Alias: "Long enuf," he snapped when a newspaper reporter asked him the same question at his nursing home. "After a hunnert years you stop countin." Doe is believed to be the oldest person in the United States, although lack of a birth certificate has hampered efforts to pinpoint his exact age. "Birf certikifits was for white folks back then. One more darky more or less din't make no difference in Alabama." Doe claims common ancestry with former Liberian President Samuel Doe (1951?-1990), whom he describes as "not wuth two mules and a busted hamestring, that whole side of the family." When asked to what he attributed his incredible longevity, Doe replied, "Cheap whiskey and exercise. I gets my exercise by whuppin' young newspaper bucks till they heads ring silly." |
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3-17-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Where is Osama bin Laden? |
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Dear Dubya: I have it on good authority (thanks, Rummy-Poo) that General Schrödinger of the US forces insists that he has Osama cornered in a box in Peshawar, but is uncertain as to whether he's alive or dead. All he's certain of is that the mewing has stopped. |
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3-18-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: When did wild poodles roam the
earth? |
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Dear Teacup: The fearsome Brontopoodle and the smaller, but no less dangerous Velocirapoodle flourished during the late Poodlocene Era, about 23¾ million years ago. The Brontopoodle Rex was about 18 feet tall at the shoulder and was capable of lopping off the head of a Titanochicken with a single bite. Both species are identified by a distinctive ruff of fur around the neck and a pompon on the tail, which is believed to have been used as a weapon somehow, perhaps by tickling the Brontopoodle's prey to death. Many also had rhinestone collars. The Brontopoodle's only known enemy was the Greater Fanged Giraffe. In some of the richest poodleological sites the fossils of a Brontopoodle and a Fanged Giraffe are found together, having died locked in mortal combat. The wild poodle species died out when a new predator evolved, the Winged Walrus, which attacked silently from above and against which the Brontopoodle had no defense. With the threat of the poodle species removed, the Giant Armored Housecat became dominant, since it was protected from aerial attacks and furthermore fed on Winged Walrus eggs, which caused the rapid disappearance of the latter species. |
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3-22-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Who was the oldest individual to win a medal in the Olympics? -- Geriatric in Greensboro |
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Dear Geriatric:
That would be Albert Dinwoodie, an 82-year-old groundskeeper who in 1980
achieved the gold medal for the long jump after his metal rake came in
contact with a buried power line as he was evening up the dirt at the
event site. The fact that he did it backwards and included a mid-air
back flip and triple axel gave him straight "10"s from the judges. Mr
Dinwoodie is also the first person to be awarded an Olympic medal
posthumously. |
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3-23-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Why is it that one can be
disgruntled, and yet no-one is ever gruntled? I think it would be nice
to feel gruntled on a regular basis. |
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Dear Sleepless: This is another example of how words change over time. Back here in Redbone we've kept a lot of the older forms, and it's quite common to hear someone described as gruntled when they're in a good mood. People unusually skilled in elocution are said to have a speech pediment. A polite person is couthed. (For example, Emily Post's exhaustive etiquette book would be referred to as a fine-couthed tome.) A businessman with a strong concern for honesty and integrity would be a ruthful competitor. For the same reason we refer to a house under construction as being molished, and a house in excellent condition is lapidated. A tranquil person is tressed, while a mentally sound one is ranged, one with a strong need for rules and order is an archist, and one with nothing to hide is a sembler. I note from your e-mail address that you're a resident of Australia, which has its own older forms, like lywhacker for one who doesn't tickle the peter or ozzer for one who is never stonkered. |
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3-23-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: I was reading Hillary Clinton's
book, It Takes a Village. Have you read it, and do you agree that
it takes a village? |
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Dear Villager: I haven't read that one, but I've read many similar ones, Including Attila the Hun's It Takes a Pillage, Luther Burbank's It Takes Ensilage, Exxon's It Takes a Spillage, Gordon Gekko's It Takes Arbitrage, Walrus & Carpenter's It Takes a Cabbage, Marilyn Monroe's It Takes a Cleavage, Donald Rumsfeld's It Takes a Carnage, Parker Bros' It Takes a Cribbage, Jerry Springer's It Takes Disparage, Elmer's It Takes a Mucilage, Dirk Diggler's It Takes a Package, and Thomas Edison's It Takes a Voltage. I'll see if I can find the one you mention. |
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3-28-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What are we throwing away these
days? |
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Dear Dispoasble: That awful orange terrycloth bathrobe you got from your color-blind Aunt Sally in 1971 Unread issues of Newport Shopper's Notes, 1989-1994 The desk lamp which hasn't worked since the Reagan Administration Somebody's baby teeth Empty nonreturnable bottles The hula-hoop you ran over with the Nash Rambler The fedora. Hats are NOT coming back Binky the hamster, RIP Gold-star homework papers, 1957 "Whip Inflation Now" buttons Betamax cassette of "Best of the Partridge Family" Piano keys All receipts prior to 1990 Playboy Club keychain Fallout shelter plans Autographed "Butterbeans and Susie" album cover Those dried-up tubes of paint from your creative fling in 1974 Twiggy poster Fossilized Bonomo's Turkish Taffy Leftover wedding announcements Leftover floor tile from 1967, 1973 and 1989 All the Acme-thread bolts Photos of unknown people from forgotten vacation Corroded and empty six-pack of "Billy" beer Bent NYC subway token, circa 1959 Go-go boots Eight-track Mantovani tape Uncola bottle-cap remover Pet rock "How to do the Bossa Nova" leaflet Rotary phones Mood ring Little black book, 1960-1970 McGovern/Eagleton button McGovern/Shriver button CB radio Tomagotchi Corvair maintenance manual Those 45s you left on the radiator one winter Chia pet Ayatollah Khomeini dart board Nehru jacket Ticket stubs from Herman's Hermits concert, 1966 w/ unused roach clip "Official Roy Rogers Deputy" badge Tube of Red Ryder BBs "Everything you need to know about Cold Fusion" pamphlet Ronco Miracle Peeler Love beads Kingston Trio poster Farrah Fawcett poster Civil Defense map of atom bomb shelters, Newark, NJ, 1956 Receipt from Peppermint Lounge, empty Southern Comfort bottle, unused pack of Trojans Fragment of Berlin Wall Ronco Miracle Rabbit-Ear Antenna Booster AM-only transistor radio Unfinished fan letter to Elizabeth Taylor, 1951 Coupon for free tune-up from local Esso station Monopoly money Hefty bag full of tie-dyed shirts and bellbottoms Charles Atlas exercise book Green Stamps Ronco Chop-O-Matic Class photo on the day you were absent Wooden nickel Rust and dust Hope |
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3-29-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: I've heard a lot about the war over
evolution, but I still don't have a grasp of what "Intelligent Design"
really means. Can you elucidate? |
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Dear Gibbon: Intelligent Design is supposed to explain things like the eye, which are allegedly "impossible" to evolve. The problem is that the eye has evolved all sorts of different ways-- think of the human eye, the cat eye, the fly eye, the squid eye, the scallop eye, the lobster eye, etc. plus the fact that the human eye is a masterpiece of lousy design: light has to first pass through a layer of blood cells before reaching the rods and cones which detect light and color. That's why humans have "red eye" in photographs and animals have "green eye." Their eyes work the right way around, like a color transparency. Ours are like those orangey color negatives. However, I am willing to accept intelligent design when it comes to cell phones. Those are so cool! |
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