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4-1-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: My husband has been leaving his
computer on all the time so it can be used by other research computers
in the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI). A lot of people
have been doing this for a long time. How come they never find anything? |
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Dear Teri: The problem with SETI is that we are the only galactic civilization which uses so crude a method as electromagnetic impulses to communicate. The nernble signal, by comparison, is instantaneous across any distance without losses. It's like the telegraph compared with smoke signals. Why don't we use the nernble communications system as well? Because Earth is an anthropological reserve, isolated from the spacefaring civilizations so that it can be studied without fear of cultural or technological contamination, pretty much the way Western civilization isolates tribes in Brazil and New Guinea for study. There is currently a "Free Earth"¹ movement in process, led by the highly empathetic Ii¯ªª peoples, who feel that it is unethical to deprive a planet of the benefits of Galactic Federation membership, although they freely admit that the vast quantities of data gathered from Earth studies have shed quite a bit of light on primitive societies at the pre-contact stage. --- ¹ What we call Earth is actually known as "Chimpworld" in interstellar parlance.  |
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4-2-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: I received the following message for decoding. After much effort, I must confess that I am stumped. Have you ever seen a code like this? (Note: If the Boss finds out I don't know what I'm doing he'll promote me.) Here's the note. Remember, my future depends on you!
-- Codifier in Cody |
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Dear Codifier: You must be decoding Japanese poets. The code is in haiku form and says the following:
Ampersand caret |
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4-4-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: My grandbaby just had
her first baby. This makes me feel so much older than my 43 years on
earth. They named the baby girl Moana Lisa. I think I have the spelling
rite? Ya know, grandbabies squeek when you pinch 'em and smile when you
powder 'em. And the best of them don't flinch when you shoot out the
winder at squirrels. So anyway...this is what I was wonderin'. "Do you
have to chain up your pickup when it starts snowin' " ? |
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Dear Merlette: How many times have I warned you about drinking blockade straight out of the still? The lead in those truck radiators goes straight to your brain and messes up your thinking. You remember Hiram Swackhammer, who used to live just a hoot and a holler away from you up on the other side of Spiny Ridge? When they did the autopsy on him his brain weighed 87 pounds, just chock full of lead. Quit now while you can still tie your shoes. |
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4-6-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: The Vatican said the
ancient ritual of the confirmation of the death and the certification of
death was carried out at 9:30 a.m. Sunday. Can you explain what that
ancient procedure entails? |
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Dear NC: In the past, the ritual had involved tapping the pope's head three times with a silver hammer, but the last version of the official Vatican document outlining the procedures does not mention the silver hammer, saying only that the camerlengo "must officially ascertain the pope's death." I believe the last camerlengo
to perform this ancient ritual was named Maxwell. |
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4-8-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: A certain Capt. Hanson
Gregory is credited with a curious invention: It has neither weight nor
density; it can be seen but not felt. What is it? |
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Dear Transubstantiated: Light. Hanson, a patent attorney working in colonial America, noted that for some reason light had never been patented. He quickly filed an application and was granted the patent on March 12, 1847. From then on anyone who used light in any form was obligated to pay Hanson and his heirs and assigns one copper halfpenny. The invention of strobe lights led to a titanic court battle, as Hanson's heirs and assigns claimed that each flash should count as a single and separate usage. This led to the Great Disco Drought of 1971. Fortunately Congress stepped in and modified a single letter of the US Constitution, which assured all Americans of the right to "light, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," thus breaking the chains of bondage which had held the USA in thrall. |
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4-10-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Is George Nissen,
inventor of the trampoline dead? |
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Dear Bouncy: Probably. Like most inventors he couldn't rest on his laurels after inventing the trampoline in the 1940s. He kept trying for what he called "the Big Bounce," and his trampolines became bigger and more powerful. By 1960 he was able to attain an altitude of 140 feet repeatedly. By using stretched out Superballs as the foundation material he had hit 250 feet in 1971, and was fined when he interfered with the radar of an approaching plane near his home town's airport. Working with NASA scientists, he created a sheet of resilient material which reacted to anything touching it by contracting violently, sort of the polar opposite of the Tempur-Pedic® mattress material as seen on TV. This allowed him to reach an altitude of 750 feet and very nearly cost him his life, as he was in the air for so long that the Earth moved under him in the duration and he nearly missed both the trampoline and the safety nets. Still unsatisfied, he used 8 layers of the space-age material and positioned the trampoline over a 50' hole in the ground. This saw a great advance, to nearly 2,000 feet in 1979. In 1982, at a county fair near Clandestine, Iowa, he advertised a new run at the record, using 12 sheets of material positioned over a 200'-deep hole. At the bottom of the hole he placed a shaped, controlled explosive charge, although this was technically cheating, but by then he had lost sight of everything in the pursuit of his goal. On the first bounce he went up 200 feet. On the second bounce he went up to 900 feet. The third bounce took him to 1,500 feet. The fourth and final bounce touched off the explosive in the bottom of the pit. The Guinness Book of Records people say that if he ever lands, he will have set a record which can probably never be broken. However he was declared dead by his family 7 years later when he had failed to return. |
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4-11-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What was Grand
Guignol? |
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Dear Frenchy: It was the original name of the Grand Canyon, which was discovered¹ by Willy Guignol, a French explorer, in 1821 while he was looking for a lost mule. He eventually found the mule at the bottom of the canyon, although it was in no condition to be used for anything but Vulture Chow. Willy immediately saw the tourist potential in his canyon, and made plans for a Branson, Missouri-style town of dinner theaters and country/western-themed shows. He was discouraged when he tried to find backers, however, as they convinced him that nobody in their right mind would travel through hostile Indian territory, then go on muleback a mile into the earth to be entertained by the mid-19th-century equivalent of one-hit wonders and George Washington impersonators. Willy scaled back his plans, then pitched the idea to the recreation and tourism director of the Havasupai Indian tribe which he had found at the bottom of the canyon along with his scrunched mule. Together they worked up a dinner theater which featured their famous soup pies, from which the tribe had taken its name, and Willy put up posters and stickers with their classic advertising come-on: "Have a Soup Pie?"® with the distance to the canyon and a pointy-finger-hand to indicate the direction. Well, the backers turned out to be right. There was simply no market for dinner theaters a mile down in the earth, no matter how good the soup pies were. After a month he finally signed up a passing wagon train full of settlers, and he thought that this would be the start of the next big thing in desert show business. Alas, when the settler party was halfway down the canyon's walls a thunderstorm sprang up, spooking the mules, who at first became less sure-footed, then as the storm increased in violence, absolutely suicidal, until the whole party ended up at the bottom of the canyon the hard way, in no condition to be used for anything but Vulture Chow. Willy and the Havasupai² were sued up one side and down the other after the catastrophe. A few years later, when the area population increased a hundredfold, the Havasupai managed to recoup their losses with their "See the Impaled Frenchman" tourist attraction. And those soup pies were really terrific. --- ¹ Discovered by a white European male, to be precise. The Indians had known it was there for thousands of years. ² Not related to the '70s rock group of the same name. |
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4-19-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: So how do they go
about electing a Pope? |
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Dear Vacuous: Years ago it involved a lot of prayer and fasting and such like, and after every failed vote a heretic was burned to inform the people outside. However, in keeping with John Paul II's efforts to modernize the church hierarchy, the methods of selecting his successor have been modified: Day One -- Papal Hold 'em Day Two -- Rope the Pope Rodeo Day Three -- Donald Trump hosts "The Pontiff" ("You're elevated!") Day Four -- Rock Papal Scissors Day Five -- Papal Paintball Day Six -- NASCAR hosts the Vatican 500 Day Seven -- Major League Faithball Playoffs If, by the end of the week a successor has not been chosen, Simon Cowell is brought in to critically host "Papal Idol" |
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4-20-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: I bought an engagement
ring for my fiance Frances Farmer O'Brien. The problem is that I bought
the ring at a second hand store, and I don't want Frances to know this.
The ring has this engraving on the inside of the band: |
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Dear Cheapskate: The biggest question is why anyone would engrave a warning in Dutch about the possible asphyxiation dangers of letting infants and children play with plastic bags on the inside of an engagement ring. I suspect it's in some fiendish Arabic code, and may threaten the security of our nation. Contact the Office of Homeland Security immediately, and whatever you do, don't speak that sentence into a cell phone or anywhere near a nuclear warhead! |
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4-22-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Given the nation's
expanding waistline, do you think there will be a federal program to
combat it? |
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Dear Plump: The Office of Homeland Obesity has already been established to soak up excess taxpayer dollars. Their first move is to issue an album of reconstituted songs to encourage fat awareness. Here are the titles: * "Walk on the Whale Side" * "Love Snacks" * "Barely Stayin' Alive * "Born to Eat" * "American Pie à la Mode" * "Love Handles in the Sand" * "Pappa was a Rolling Sixty-Stone" * "Stuck in the Elevator with You" * I Feel the Earth Move when You Walk" * "Hey! You! Get Offa My Flab!" * "Fat, Fat, Leroy Brown" * "Sittin' on My Pork by the Bay" * "I Heard It Through the Grape Sauce" * "The Boy Is a Bubble" * "Bohemian Chocolate Rhapsody" |
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4-24-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What popular recording
star owes his name to his resemblance to baseball great Hank Aaron? |
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Dear Mimic: The country and western star Arnold Palmer, who had his name and appearance altered to secure gigs in sports bars. It started a short-lived trend among desperate up-and-coming c/w performers, including Babe Ruth, who looked like Wayne Gretzky, Wilt Chamberlain, who looked like Eddie Arcaro, and Joe Montana, who looked like John McEnroe. The craze came to an abrupt end with O J Simpson, who looked like Martina Navratilova and was beaten to death with Bud Lite bottles outside the Confederate Sports Grille in Mobile, Alabama. |
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4-25-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: Who said, "Humor is
merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn."? |
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Dear Mirthful: That was the great American writer Irvin S. Cobb, and he was absolutely right. I saw Sophocles' tragedy "Oedipus at Colonos," performed that way and it was a riot. Eugene O'Neill once experimented with having the entire cast of "Mourning Becomes Electra" dress up as chickens with funny hats in homage to that version of the "Oedipus" play, but it was nowhere near as successful. You really need the torn pants for the full comic effect. |
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4-26-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What country once was
plagued by a murderous religious sect whose members were called "thugs"? |
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Dear Criminal: That would be Brooklyn in New York, back when it was a separate country. The name came from a famous comedy gangster play from 1838, "Mugs, Thugs and Slugs," which the Church of the Divine Heist used as a recruiting tool. During the intermission acolytes would circulate in the lobby explaining the features and benefits of membership in the church, such as tax-free money, wanted posters with the member's picture and description, free executions if you stepped out of line, and free burial in the East River with free concrete shoes. |
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4-28-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: What is gravity? |
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Dear Heavy: Gravity® is a trademark for a gravity-inducing liquid first distilled by Lemmy Spurwinkle in Arkansas in 1907. Spurwinkle discovered that by allowing corn to ferment in a molasses solution for a week, then slowly bringing the mixture to just below the boiling point of water and trapping the resulting vapors in an alembic or automobile radiator, he could produce a misty liquid which, upon imbibing, amplified the gravitational effects in his immediate surroundings. Spurwinkle, after consuming a mere half-pint, found himself pinned to the ground, unable to move or think coherently for several hours. Scientist that he was, he began to test the liquid more extensively, inviting fellow-scientist Luster Skoggs and the Osrogg Twins to verify his discovery. Sure enough, all three were pinned to the ground unable to move or think clearly (there is apparently a strong gravitational effect on the brain as well as the body). Lemmy decided to do a double-blind test in his local community, secretly replacing the sarsaparilla at the church ice-cream social with his invention. By sundown the entire congregation was pinned to the earth by increased gravity, except for Bobbi Sue Murchison, who took only a teaspoon or so and would up skinny-dipping in the horse trough instead, singing a dance-hall song about some ladies of doubtful virtue and a sailor, and what transpired between them. Spurwinkle took out an application for his Patent Gravity Inducer, and was awarded exclusive manufacturing and trademark rights. His wealth and fame grew amongst those who wished to experience the effects of Gravity® in the privacy of their own homes or in local alleys and skid rows thereabouts. In 1919, however, his modest run of luck became a flood, as the federal government in Washington prohibited the application of even small amounts of synthetic gravity within the three-mile limit, citing the need for homeland security. The inventor soon became a multi-millionaire, so much so that J Pierpont Morgan used to mow Spurwink's lawn of Saturday afternoons to increase his net worth, and John D Rockefeller waxed Spurwink's 16-cylinder Hispano-Suiza every Sunday for the same reason. All went well until 1933, when the government re-legalized gravity, and the bottom dropped out of the gravity business, you should forgive the pun. Spurwink took to overindulging in his invention to the point where by 1938 he was unable to move under any condition and soon passed to his reward when he neglected to breathe one summer afternoon. --- "A sudden violent jolt of [Spurwink's Gravity®] has been known to stop the victim's watch, snap his suspenders and crack his glass eye right across." ~Irvin S. Cobb |
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