|
10-3-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Junkie: Indonesia. Market studies showed that there were more English literates in the world than any other language, so the publisher Ruperti Murdoktu decided that's where the money was. Alas, the language was not well known by the reporters and staff, and the first issue of "Englitch Noos" on October1st, 1712, ran the headline: Philip V, Him Spaniard, Pronounces Claim to French Clown."  |
|
10-5-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Medical: It's easy to translate Medicalese into Humanese if you keep in mind a few Greek and Latin prefixes, suffixes, helixes and cakemixes. Let's take that awkward word apart and see what it really means: Bi = Two, as in bi-cycle (two cycles), bi-valve (two valves) and bi-nocular (two noculars) Lateral = On the same side, as in lateral pass (a mountain pass with both edges on one side) Per = Around, as in per-iwinkle (around the iwinkle), per-icarp (around the icarp, a kind of Mediterranean fisherman's dance) and Per-icles (around [the] icicles, a Nordic festival) Orbital = Referring to the path of a celestial body or satellite as it revolves around another celestial body, as in sub-orbital (a submarine 'way out of its element) Hema = Of or referring to blood, as in hema-gluttin (a greedy vampire) Toma = A hatchet or light axe, as in toma-hawk (a weapon for hunting hawks), toma-to (a type of axe used for dismembering salad ingredients) Putting them all together again, we discover that if you've been diagnosed with a "bilateral perorbital hematoma," you are suffering from two same-sided sanguinary hatchet wounds acquired in outer space. It's really simple once you know the key, isn't it? |
|
10-6-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Miserable: Under separate cover I'm sending you a copy of "Aunt Nettie's Guide to Retroactive Abortion," which should solve your problem nicely. |
|
10-7-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Poetic: Chronic perversion. There was a lot of that going around in the 18th century amongst English poets. The classic example is Thomas Chatterton, who, after years of unspeakable acts and unnatural practices, took his own life at the age of 18 after giving what has been described as "the most perverse and sinful valedictory speech ever heard in the British secondary school system." |
|
10-13-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Junkie: SPAM Flakes, an innovative cured pork-shoulder breakfast-food marketing breakthrough. They chose the name because the flakes were seasoned with coriander, and once milk and sugar were added, tasted like wafers and honey, just like their Biblical counterparts. In a clever advertising ploy, you couldn't buy it on Sundays, forcing people to stock up on Saturdays, which was also a riff on Exodus. When the Protestant clergy complained, the name was changed to Post Hosties, but the Catholic Church came down on them like a ton of monstrances. Eventually the name was changed to Filboid Studge, becoming a smashing success as a health food. |
|
10-16-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Paralegal: It depends on whether it's the Mini-Court, for tiny international crimes like bringing chewing gum into Singapore, or the Mega-Court, for full-scale atrocities like starting wars on false pretenses. |
|
10-19-2005 Dear Aunt Nettie: |
|
Dear Poseur: Aaron Burr. It was part of the punishment imposed on him for killing Hamilton in a duel. He also had to wear an ankle bracelet with the slogan, "Hi, sailor, new in town?" which so mortified him he missed the entire beach season at Martha's (no relation) Vineyard that year. |
FOR MORE ARCHIVES MATERIAL, CLICK ON A MONTH BELOW:
sign guest book | view guest book
archives |
links | wisdom
| home
Please send your questions to nettie@dearauntnettie.com. Due
to the volume of mail received, personal replies are impossible unless
accompanied by large sums of money. You may also submit your questions
using the handy, paranoia-free
form.
© 1996-2004 Ernie Jurick - All rights reserved; all wrongs redressed.
Web design by dancinfool (aka Ditty Nicolaides)
